I feel I need to express as some sort of disclaimer that I am an eternal optimist. However, right now:
Most of which are not positive.
March was the most difficult month of my short 26 years thus far. It was a perfect shit storm of: a completely dysfunctional romantic relationship falling apart in the worst possible way, a pseudo stalker living two doors down from me, rebuilding said relationship to watch it fall apart AGAIN within a week (to then get back together. Holy roller coaster), giving notice of moving out while not having anything lined up, needing a roommate and not having one, not getting any sleep…all of this personal drama happening at the same time caused my performance at work to suffer. That led to a little sit down with my boss.
After leaving that meeting the only thing I could think is wow, I could really give zero fucks.
Honestly if I were to get fired I would not care. When I dejectedly plopped back into my chair one thing became abundantly clear: I need to get out. Now. With that fire being lit under my butt I hit the ground running on the job hunt. After reading through one shitty, boring, job description after another I realized if someone walked up to me and said “Hey, you are going to be working in some office doing something completely meaningless from 8-5 for the rest of your life,” I would probably just kill myself. I cannot think of anything worse than answering to someone else on the regular, striving to do shit that in the grand scheme of the world means absolutely nothing, and is not even remotely fulfilling.
So, what now?
I sat down and thought “What am I passionate about?”
That’s easy: yoga, fashion, hair, makeup, and writing (and maybe baking. It’s a hobby I’ve always wanted to pursue further). Albeit I’m not particularly awesome at any of those things, but I surely can make a living off of one if not all of the above, right? I was talking with my mom yesterday and I realized I don’t actually want to DO anything. I just want to be able to do what I love and make an income doing it. Why is that so fucking hard?
The maddening thing is that all of us are living a life we are told we are supposed to living. You should have a job where you work 40 hours a week because that’s what “real” people do. That’s not what I want. I see my end game but there are absolutely no clear ways on how to get there. I was describing this to my boyfriend last night and the thought occurred to me that it’s like the South Park underwear gnomes. Kelli said the same thing to me today. Therefore it must be true! Step 1) Realize you need to make life changes. Step 2) ??? Step 3) I am the free spirited, blue haired, hippie, yoga teacher-blogger-baker-fashionista raking in enough cash to support myself and my shopping habit. Come on universe that is not too much to ask for. Gosh.
Ok so how the fuck do I get there?! And how do I keep this from stopping me:
*Thanks for stating the obvious, Shosh.*
Let’s be real, quitting your cushy office job with decent pay and benefits for less money and hours is absolutely crazy-town-banana-pants. But is the misery and lack of fulfillment worth the money? In my opinion, no (hint: that is not the responsible answer).
Everyone says life is about the journey blah blah blah. Well right now that journey can suck it. I have never been plagued by so much fear and anxiety all at once. It’s infuriating and frustrating. I mean, I guess there is some silver lining:
I could really use a fine moment right about now.