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TBT – “I am alone…I am utterly alone.”

By the time you read this, I will be gone. Having jumped…having plummeted… off the winter river bridge.

Anyone? I’m feeling a bit like Winona Ryder in this scene from Beetlejuice today.

Last night was the full moon, and it is in Cancer. Here is what Celestial Space Astrology has to say about that:

The Full Moon in Cancer at 25 degrees on January 15th, 2014, puts each person in touch with surfacing emotions as well as hidden ones from long ago. The Full Moon phase symbolizes a heightening of emotional waves and with Cancer being a water sign, you know this Full Moon phase will sure to bring important emotional awareness and opportunity to heal emotional pain. 

So this moon in particular brings hidden emotions from long ago to the surface, and presents an opportunity to heal emotional pain. I am certainly feeling the effects today.

I feel angry and bitchy, frustrated and disappointed. I bet its because I am surrounded by assholes!


Or, maybe its because the moon is helping some of that old stuck stuff to surface. I could take this opportunity to practice pratyahara (that damn word I’m always preaching about!) and look inward. If my outer circumstance is always a projection of my inner reality, then I need to find the assholes that own my innards are surrounded by…

if that sorta makes sense…

(And I really wanted to use the word “innards”)

And it’s throw-back-Thursday, so let’s take a trip to the past and look at some of Kelli’s early melancholy writings. I found this piece when I stumbled upon a box of old awards and things when I was purging my house a couple weeks ago. I had the thought as I was writing this post, I should grab that old note I wrote, circa age 17, and write about it here. Here is the note, and we will talk about it more below:

2014-01-16 09.36.32

It says:

My friends are gone. My family has given up. My grades are failing The soccer team is “developing.” I’ve done this to myself. But I still wonder what is going on. Even as I watch myself blow off everything, I question why I’m alone.

It is a little bit melodramatic, yes. “My grades are failing” and yet I graduated with highest honors. “My family has given up” – really? It reminds me of the scene from Beetlejuice, above: “I am alone…I am utterly alone.” And yet, it is sad, so sad. I want to hug my seventeen year-old self and let her know that so much good is still to come in her life; that she is not alone.

So I remembered that old note today, and thought I should take a picture and write about it here. When I went to grab it, another piece of paper fell out. It was one of those “funeral cards” for a friend that died my senior year of high school on January 13.

Shit, the anniversary of his death was only a couple days ago. Weird. Ok, Universe, noted.

Then I had to put writing this post on hold because I had an appointment. On my way to the appointment, I noticed the license plate on a car that pulled in front of me said, “fvr yng,” i.e., “Forever Young.”

Whoa, that was my senior class song. Ok, Universe, noted again. Let’s deal with some highschool shit.

So my senior year in high school, six of my friends died tragically. Five died in car accidents and one committed suicide. It was really shitty. I hardly think about it anymore, but it was really really shitty when it happened. I think in some ways I have “forgotten” about it, as a result of not dealing with it.

I think I pushed it out of my mind. “My friends are gone” was a true statement, notwithstanding how theatrical the rest of the piece may seem in hindsight.

People die all the time. I’ve certainly seem more tragedy since that time. But what happened to me then and how does it parallel what I am going through now?

I sometimes have the sense now that I live in two worlds. There is the spiritual, “all of my life is a quest” world, where the Universe speaks to me in metaphors, symbols, and feelings and energy movement in my body. And then there is the gross, material world, where not everyone believes in fairies and chakras, and sometimes people are ugly and assholes, and sometimes my dreams don’t immediately manifest into reality, and people suffer and die.

I try my best to reconcile my two worlds, and yet sometimes I’m left feeling angry and disappointed. I get impatient with my circumstances and frustrated that I see a reality that not everyone else sees. That is how I have been feeling on this moon day: frustrated, angry, disappointed, and impatient.

And back then, in high school, the death of my friends was the ultimate “reality check.” I saw the ugliness of the world, and I don’t think I ever dealt with my anger at the Universe for taking my innocence, for showing me so young that reality can be harsh and shitty, and doesn’t always live up to our expectations.

This world is a world of suffering, that fact can’t be ignored. To pretend there is no suffering is to deny a part of our existence.

In the documentary about Ram Dass, “Fierce Grace,” Ram Dass tells a story about his teacher, Maharji. A women came to Maharaji, crying that she had experienced so much suffering. Maharji looked at her and said, “I am suffering too.” Only, Ram Dass describes, Maharji seemed happy about it, because he understood what this world was really about.

He didn’t suffer as a result of his suffering, and actually found a happiness within it.

I’m quite sure that a lot of my suffering comes not as a result of my shitty life circumstances, but as a result of getting stuck in my head about those life circumstances. I notice that my mean brain voice likes to make me feel foolish for believing in “magic” and often uses what appear to be crappy circumstances to remind me how shitty life is:

“Guess you were wrong about trying out this new restaurant you had a good “vibe” about – they are out of the meal you wanted” “Looks like you were mistaken about sensing a deep energy connection with x person, seems they don’t feel the same way about you as you do about them.” “Maybe you shouldn’t talk to anyone, then you won’t have to deal with how stupid and insensitive they all are…”

Wow, there it is – my “innard asshole!” I’m being mean to myself again. This time for being a believer in that more subtle level of reality.

Today I am going to sit with these feelings that I am feeling and try to let them be; to ask them what they want to teach me, and then to let them run their course. I am going to try not to be fooled by mean brain voice, and instead I am going to offer her love. She is, after all, here to protect me from disappointment. She sees that I was let down in the past when my rose-colored expectations of reality fell through. I don’t approve of her methodology, but I get that it is a defense mechanism, so no need to blame or berate her.

And tomorrow! I’m excited. I’m going to try Total Zen Float Comfort sensory deprivation chamber. I hear it can be blissful… and frightening to cut off all senses where you are only left with your mental chatter. I am stoked and a little nervous to get deeper into some of the feelings and thoughts that have surfaced today.

I’ll keep you updated, for sure.

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